AccessGCC.com
is proud to add SEPTIC SUE the world-renowned
astrologer and fakir (or is it faker?) to our staff. There is no other quite
like her, each month she will bring her unique and uncannily accurate 'scopes'
to you, thereby making your life a tad easier to deal with!
|
|
|
 |
Aries
(March 21-April 19) |
|
Did you have fun with your friend then? No, I'm not surprised! Did you have to mention that they had lice? Did you have to tell them about the B.O? Life is not looking good as far as friendship goes for a while, but never mind, things are looking up on the leisure time front…you are going to have plenty of it now, because you will be sacked this month. Use your new-found time to reflect on how miserable you make other people feel.
|
 |
Taurus
(April 20-May 20) |
|
|
Debts out of the way, you will now begin to march into August with gusto, unfortunately gusto is not what is needed, BRAINS are! And you never had any did you? This is the reason for being arrested this month, much nifty talking and crafty manoeuvring will be required to get out of this mess! If you had to go right at that very moment, did you have to choose THAT bush with the speed camera in it?
|
 |
Gemini
(May 21-June 21) |
|
|
So you can come out of your cupboard now and bask in the sunlight, don't bask too long though because I predict a skin eruption of some sort this month! It could be anything, but I do sense eruptions and pus, so stock up on medication! Oh! And by the way, check your mailbox, there's a spider in it!
|
 |
Cancer
(June 22-July 22) |
|
So August finds you with a Gemini friend, imagine… you opened a cupboard and there they were! You both are well suited because between the pair of you, you nearly have a decent personality! Try taking them out for a meal and a bit fun, but watch what you order and make sure your friend knows the Heimleich manoeuvre because I see a chocing episode in a restaurant in the very near future.
|
 |
Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22) |
|
I told you not to wear flip-flops last month! No that is not athlete's foot that you have! It is a mild case of gangrene, get it checked out now! The coming month holds a surprise in store for you, an evil relative from the past will return to haunt you. But things are not going to get any worse than they are right now because that would be impossible. Wear green for luck, it won't do any good but wear it anyway.
|
 |
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22) |
|
So, some of you marked my words last month and did not eat peanuts! (I could have had one less star sign to do this month!) Things bode well for you Virgo's this month! You will not have a complete nervous breakdown, as I first thought, but will instead only hyperventilate whilst on the phone with a respected member of the community. They will misconstrue this and never talk to you again, still it beats a breakdown doesn't it?
|
 |
Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23) |
|
Things are settling down for Libra's in August (shame your hair isn't!) Pluto is in the cusp of Uranus, ..And you know what that means don't you? Well lets just say..avoid men in flowery pants and waistcoated women in jeans!!!! (Unless you are one of the above, in which case this is YOUR month folks!) I seriously advise you to think again about getting a life, you are overestimating your abilities!
|
 |
Scorpio
(Oct. 24-Nov. 21) |
|
Ah, life is good and the living is easy. We Scorpio's have a pleasant and happy month ahead as usual, this is all down to the fact that we are wonderful people and only good things happen to those who are worthy! Money will just keep on rolling into your pockets and a new and beautiful friend will come into your life. You should put something back into society since it usually all flows your way, try smiling at a Gemini or a Pisces.
|
 |
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) |
|
Learning is not one of your strong points, but then you're unaware of this, as you will be about the warrant out for your arrest! All will become clear in the middle of the month, when someone close to you asks you to deliver some grass seed to their friend, DON"T DO IT! And I know what you are thinking, "I'll just keep it and use it on my own lawn"…DON"T…the grass is NOT always greener on the other side!
|
 |
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19) |
|
Why someone with such a sad outlook in life would want to know what is in store for them baffles me, yet here you Capricorn's are AGAIN! As there are no hospital visits in store for August this is one of your better months! Decisions about money should not be difficult to make since you will have none. You will actually slip on a banana peel and fall in true comic style, when you try to walk away with dignity, you fall down a manhole!
|
 |
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18) |
|
Time to take up a hobby for you in August, I see social isolation in my crystal ball for you this month. "A friend in need is a friend indeed", this saying applies to all but you! You are always in need and quite frankly, everyone is fed up of it. Find your self something to while away the time until September because there is nothing happening for you until then. Perhaps you could have a face-lift, goodness knows you need one!
|
 |
Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20) |
|
Okay so you freshened up, now what? You need a personality to go with those pink polka dot socks and where are YOU going to get one? Honestly, sometimes I despair for you lot! You will find that the saying 'look before you leap' should have been heeded this month since you will hit the ground with a nasty bump when your evil plan goes awry! We see through you Pisces, you are the only one that thinks you are clever!
|
